paradox

I want to fly high and far,
But without these strings, I cannot fly.

QT with my parents

we went into DC for the cherry blossom festival today. there were people everywhere. it took like ten minutes just to get off the metro.

apparently we missed the memo about bringing our kites along:



For some reason there are always great photo ops of strangers in
DC...and I'm the creepy local who will seize those opportunities.

i was thinking about it:

I would like to spend less time thinking about music,

and more time playing music.

i was thinking about it:

i would like to be less selfish,

and more generous.

give me a high five

If I could give myself a high five, I would be doing that right now. I've been more productive this week than I've been in the last two months.

Administrative and logistical crap is difficult for me...I really fight it. But I'm a machine this week.

Bragging rights:
+Laundry from New Jersey
+Cleaned out my car...perfectly. What a beauty.
+Got an oil change
+Put my car up for sale
+Opened a new checking/savings account with a national bank (seeya midwest!)
+Caught up on missed hours for work from last week
+Made lots of yucky phone calls

And some random stuff...I know normal people could do all of that in one day, but I can't.

On a more exciting level, my brain is exploding in the best possible way...in the last 48 hours I've begun to write five new songs, and about finished one of them already. I was still up last night at 4 am in my dimly lit basement...writing, writing, writing.

Virtual high five.

reality check:

We are all the same.

I love to be reminded of that, because it feels new every time.

How easily we (I) forget.

For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right... It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually.

...sigh...

writing

i'm working on a couple new songs...i'm excited about it...i hope you'll like them...

i haven't written anything in weeks, so it feels good to play around with some new ideas. both tunes i'm working on have been built backwards (for me); both melodies came out first before words and piano, which never happens...so its exciting and new.

feels good to be back into it...couldn't hold it in.

part II of that obnoxiously long post from last week

a few years ago when i was living in puebla, i had two thoughts consistently cross my mind--just prior to leaving, and then just after arriving:

"what am i doing??"

and

"how did i get here??"

i'm beginning to have deja vu...

i fly to CA in 9 days but i'm not quite sure why i'm going yet. i keep thinking "what am i doing?!?", and then start to chuckle and have that silent-shoulder-bounce laugh where you make no noise until you inhale to catch your breath.

yikes.

for logistics: my car is for sale, do you want to buy it? second, i have temporary access to a car in CA, but still don't know exactly what I'm going to do about that issue for at least the second half of my time there...any ideas?

third, i have been issued several threats regarding my travel to CA...but lets all just relax. i already left those of you issuing the threats behind in Michigan anyway...at this point, what's the difference between the east or west coast? just a love tap.

I'll be there just short of 2 months and i realized a few days ago that i haven't stayed in one place for that long since September.

again, what am i doing??

......mmmm....i'll figure it out.

gps?

Directions from Jersey to VA.
I'm from Michigan. I'll always find a way to use my hand as a map.

another one bites the dust

mindy got married yesterday. so did mark. it was beautiful.


daley took some photos...have a looksee at some more photos of the happy couple.

since when have i been an over-achiever?

I'm not sure when I became an over-achiever...in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm not one, and I think this morning was a total fluke.

Mindy is getting married today...and I'm a bridesmaid...so how on earth I'm finding a spare hour to sit around and do nothing, I have no clue. Somehow I was done doing my hair by 9am. I didn't even plan to get up until 9.30, but somehow I'm so far ahead that when my alarm went off, I was sitting here at my computer checking my email. Its like a freak accident.

Anyway, a few of the girls and Mindy are at the salon and will be here shortly...and this peaceful apartment is about to explode with noise and people (and rumor has it, bagels). I'm just so shocked at how ready I am already and am not really sure what to do with the extra time...so here I am, blogging with nothing to do the morning of my best friend's wedding. Haha. Is this real???

Once the weekend festivities are through I'll be back in DC/VA for about two weeks...but plenty of time to blog about that later. Its good to be here today. Lots of friends from all over the place, but this time we're in the same place at the same time...and it is good. And rare. And good.

Ok, there goes the doorbell. I'm out.

sicko

grrrrr.

i've avoided a serious cold for months...but it finally hit me yesterday. drinking lots of tea...getting lectures about going to the doctor....ha.

my voice is scratchy and low...i'm trying not to freak out about it. usually when something happens to my voice i get a little panicky about it...trying to stay cool. i'm cool for now. for those of you who love the show Friends as much as i do, its simply a case of what Phoebe calls "sexy phlegm".

this morning i'm off to the airport to pick up jess...going to spend the day in NYC...where its raining like crazy. probably not good for the cold. what can you do. its new york...you go anyway.

its going to be a good day.

past due - part I (of only II, i swear.)

I can only go so long without writing an introspective blog. That's what you get from a introverted songwriter. I guess I don't need to explain, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

That rather apparent insecurity is another artist's perk.

So. Lots on my mind, but mostly I just want to tell you about this book, called Eat Pray Love. My friend got it for me as a birthday gift last fall, a couple days before I moved. She understood things about my heart that others had not, since we walked the same road for most of last year, and even now. The book was featured on Oprah, which of course caused in me a natural aversion toward the book (because I'm marvelously inconsistent with deciding on whether I love trends or if I want to resist them). But I trust my friend, and gave the book a try. AND I LOVED IT. But strangely, didn't finish it. Not yet. I couldn't put it down, but after I finished the first third of the book (its made up of three distinct parts), I put it down and haven't stopped thinking about what I have already read.

Its about getting knocked flat on your face, and getting back up...and not just picking up where you left off but instead choosing where you would like to begin again. And not having to have a good, logical reason or a three point presentation explaining why - or better yet, realizing it doesn't make that much sense but doing it anyway.

That idea has been guiding a lot of decision making in the past 4 or 5 months, and I've made an effort to start saying yes to things, more and more. I (apparently) have a history of being unable to accept generosity...which I've come to realize is lame.

And you receivers...assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives...For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity.

I guess the fear is that people offer things but don't mean it, and then when I accept I become...a burden? But who am I to think that it has anything to do with me? That's one thing I've learned in the past year about myself, and people in general. We assume a lot of things have something to do with us, when in reality, most things have nothing to do with us.

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this, except that I've been trying to embody the posture of this book: doing things because I can, because I should, and mostly, because I want to--and allowing that to be reason enough. Its ok to bypass the "how profitable will this be?" part of the process. I realize it makes some people anxious, but that's kind of the way things have been going lately..going places and making decisions based on desire rather than logic (why logic and desire are often painted as opposites, I'm not sure. It seems that doing your desire would be the logical thing...)

Sometimes you just have to do things.

My friend, Daniel, wrote this great song and in it says, "But the sparrow knows, she knows when its time to fly down south and out of town. And when she finds a branch - at last - she is a stranger, but belongs there."

Don't worry so much about doing the right thing. My dad recently commented here in response to this post and said something really simple but profound, "Every destination has potential for good. God is a God of multiples."

Don't worry so much about doing the right thing.

Inside the front cover of Eat Pray Love, my friend wrote this, "Life is so complicated and full of conditions and exceptions. I think God knows this, too."

But all that I've written here, of course, is the romantic within me speaking. This is all lovely in theory and in principal. Actually doing it...following my heart...being the little sparrow...not worrying so much...resisting the instinct to spew out polished answers to defend my lack of structure and general apathy toward logical culturally-acceptable planning practices...

Its not so easy. But gradually, I'm becoming that person. (I like to think.) Its with this in mind that I've begun to show up in places like NY, MI, random places between the two--and little things like strangers' homes and the salon and church...and this past month, NJ. Its not that I haven't taken risks...risk taking is what landed me in Mexico for four months, and what landed me in Africa, and why I dropped out of college, and risk taking is what lands me on stage over and over. Its just that all of those things had/have great answers to "why this will be profitable".

Not so much lately.

From Eat Pray Love:

Italians will tolerate hideously incompetent generals, presidents, tyrants, professors, bureaucrats, journalists and captains of industry, but will never tolerate incompetent opera singers, conductors, ballerinas, courtesans, actors, film directors, cooks, tailors... In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted. Only artistic excellence is incorruptible. Pleasure cannot be bargained down. To devote yourself to the creation and enjoyment of beauty, then, can be a serious business--not always necessarily a means of escaping reality, but sometimes a means of holding on to the real when everything else is flaking away into rhetoric and plot.

So anyway, last week after many conversations in MI - including one long conversation in particular (with a friend who is ALWAYS right, dang it), a friend offered me his place in LA for two months.

With all these pretty ideas in mind...what do I do with such an offer?

I buy a plane ticket.

That's what I do.

[Thank you/Thank you.]

yay

Last night was Mindy's bachelorette party. Plenty of trouble.


I got up around 10:30 and walked into the bathroom. When I came out, Mark (Mindy's finance) was magically here, and he said the three most beautiful words to me that I could ever imagine:

"I got bagels."

I responded with three other beautiful words:

"I made coffee."

Then our conversation went something like this (meant to be read in very loud and charismatic Italian tones, hence all the exclamation points):

Me: Where did you get the bagels?!
Mark: The Bagelry, down at the corner!
Me: Those bagels are so good!
Mark: I know, its those Jewish people!
Me: Jewish people make such good bagels!
Mark: They make good bagels and good pizza!
Me: I know it!
Mark: Jewish people are awesome!
Me: I freakin love Jewish people!


Good morning, New Jersey.

nope.

Nope, I didn't walk two miles for a bagel.

Lots of crapola to do today. Work to catch up on...taxes to start...bridesmaid duties (bachelorette party tomorrow!)...all kinds of activity that likely will not subside until Mindy's wedding is done. I have a feeling this wedding is going to be ridiculous amounts of fun. Lots of people coming from all over the place for this giant party, starting with a Wednesday morning airport run to pick up Jess and head straight into New York for the day. I suspect we will fill the day with multiple untold shenanigans.

Off to get some things done now, just thought I'd say good afternoon.

And also:

my dilemma

I REALLY want to eat bagels, all day, every day. Specifically from a shop nearby called the Corner Bagelry. I made a rule that I am only allowed to eat a bagel if I walk to the Corner Bagelry and get it. I googled it to see how far away it is.

View Larger Map

Exactly one mile each way.

Do I walk two miles for a bagel???

I'll let you know.

a rose by any other name....would be mindy.

and she'd be black.

so Mindy, Mark, and I are sitting around tonight with dinner and wine, looking up the meanings of our names online.

Mark? Warlike. No surprise there.

Me? Youthful one. I should be 100% French with a name like Julie Belle. Only I'm not.

Mindy? Her full name is actually Melinda. Mindy was very quick to tell us that her name means gentle and beautiful. So we look it up.

First, here's Mindy, in case you aren't familiar with her. (by the way, she's cooking up a storm lately...)


So we look up blonde mindy's name. Here's what we found:


Mindy: Black and Beautiful.

i'm a million different people...

i'm a million different people from one day to the next,

but you are familiar with all my ways.

*************************************

i just want to say

i just want to say:

i have a small obsession with bagels. midwest folk, (and maybe all folk not from the NYC tri-state area?), we don't really get how serious bagels are. and how amaaaazing they can be when they're made by New Jersians.

this morning i made some coffee and then took a stroll on the beach: white oversized mug in hand.

this evening mindy and i made massive amounts of pasta and opened the south africa pinotage i brought along with me. it was a lovely evening. we toasted to new beginnings.

off to bed.
so tired.

better together.

no one wants to be alone.

Be still, my heart. Space does not hear you.

Be still, my heart, until dawn.
For whoso awaits the morning patiently,
The morning shall embrace him tenderly.

Behold, my heart, the dawn is come;
Speak, then, if you have yet the power of words.

Arise, my heart. Arise and move with the dawn.
For night is passed and the fears of night have vanished with their black dreams.

-Kahlil Gibran

im out!

so long, farewell grand rapids. its been real.

a crazy week, and especially crazy day. i topped off the week with two of my best friends, jess & jim.

we got mexican food for dinner. mmmm....

jess goes to seminary. she studies.

back to jersey, bright and early tomorrow morning.

hotel blues

hotel blues, or seasonal affective disorder? :)

a good old fashioned kick in the butt

I'm such a baby about the weather. My fabulous Aunt Janice emailed me and put me in my place this morning. Simply stated, she said, "Really. You have no idea." She lives in Minneapolis. This morning when she emailed me, the wind chill was -18.

Sorry Aunt Janice, I actually laughed out loud when I saw this...check this out:


I mean, really? Who's idea was it to use the word "Fair" to describe that weather?

I guess I should thank the good Lord for double digits.

uh...

i'm bored.

sorry

sorry my posts have been pseudo novels lately. i'll try and cut that out.

two things:

1. the number one thing to do in michigan is gain weight.

2. detroit airport:

again, i really have no idea, but i'm pretty sure this is a relatively boring photo. however, i do like all the angles and how asymmetrical it is even though it somehow manages to be cut in half diagonally and vertically.

i think i'm allowed to publicly critique my own photo on account of the fact that i have no idea what i'm doing, and also on account of the fact that i just worked for 12 solid hours on the office's annual audit...and on account of the fact that i'm stranded in the office until Betsy gets here.

grace and peace, or else.
julie

feels like 10....see below.

I flew into Grand Rapids around midnight on Sunday, and I'm living at a hotel this week.

Originally, I thought it would be weird to stay in a hotel in the city I've lived in for the past five years, since my brother and most of my best friends live here (but work-related logistics made staying downtown make more sense than anything else). But really what's weird is that I don't feel weird staying in a hotel in Grand Rapids. I really do feel like a visitor, which is fine I guess, just surprising.

I have enjoyed being back at the office with Flannel. So far both times I've returned, its the only place that doesn't feel foreign. Before I moved last fall, it really became one of the last safe places for me here--not just the people, but the actual space itself.

I've already had a chance to spend time with a lot of people who are really dear to me, and have plenty more planned for the rest of the week...but if I can be honest? I want to go. I don't like living in a hotel, and its very cold here. I promised I wouldn't write an entire post about the weather, but it really does warrant being mentioned. I honestly can't figure out how I survived five winters in West Michigan. I'm not just saying that, either. I really can't figure it out. I'm becoming really sensitive to weather, I've noticed over the past few months, and I'm really trying to take that into consideration when I think about what to do with myself both long and short term. (should I also take into consideration that while I was typing that sentence I got a text message from someone telling me to move to CA?)

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

For now I'm off to bed; its a tiring week and another early morning tomorrow. This morning I woke up and my nose was frozen. Not the greatest way to start a day.




I don't want to talk about it.

missing out

i'm missing out on spring in all of the places that i usually wander.

its not sitting well with me.

more tonight...and it won't be entirely about the weather. i swear.

"And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older."

a few thoughts

So, I'm in Jersey finally, after much chaos and a few failed attempts to get here...and it is so great to be here. I haven't seen Mindy on a daily basis since college, but finally, even though temporarily, we are roommates.

And on that note, I'm flying into Grand Rapids tonight.

This morning, Mindy and I took my dress to get altered. On our way back to the apartment, we stopped by Dunkin Donuts for coffee (two Michigan girls forever lost to the east coast), and then Mindy said, "Lets go see what the ocean is like today."

Yes ok, lets, because we are ON the ocean. Brilliant. I love that.

I played a show last night in New York--it was a little crazy because I ended up having to go in by myself to a neighborhood I hadn't been to yet, Greenwich Village. Crazy that I hadn't been there with the way I adore New York and all. Its an amazing neighborhood: vintage boutiques, smoke shops, italian cafes, used record stores, comedy clubs, bars, and food EVERYWHERE...Its a perfect area for shows, there were a lot of people and it went well, so overall a great night. I am SO tired of playing solo though. That needs to change, asap. For more thoughts on that show, go here.

Other than that, I've been thinking a lot about what's next for me. I'm in a really unique place: three weeks out from now I have no plans. No commitments. No obligation to be anywhere. Well, let me paint the accurate picture for you: I have a family vacation in May, and then after that the next thing I have is Christmas. And after that? Christmas. No joke. I didn't leave anything out. I recently realized this, and was naturally inclined to freak out about my lack of direction and certainty, but quickly realized how much of a gift it truly is to be in the place I am right now. Instead of doing what feels natural--finding things to fill that open calendar with, I've been making a conscious effort to let it remain empty, to sit in that tension and just...look at it. I'm inclined to spend energy on finding things to do, but I keep reminding myself that something will come up, something always does. I should be less preoccupied with how I'll spend my time, and instead live in the present for once in my life. I've always been so focused on the future...the next step...the next 20 steps...I've always struggled to live in the present. I'm always somewhere else. For the first time ever in my life, I only have three weeks in front of me to do that with...and then: nothing. Its bizarre and amazing, but opens up a new perspective of truly living in today. Because for once, I don't have anywhere else to live. My mind is forced to live here. I have no plans to anticipate or get anxious about. I know I'm being outrageously repetitive, I think because I'm still talking myself into embracing this instead of resisting it.

All I can do is rest in the certainty of the uncertainty---the endless possibility.

In some ways this place that I'm in narrows my daily focus--I am forced to live here and now.

In some ways this place that I'm in broadens my daily focus--I could do anything and go anywhere.

The calendar is drenched in potential. Saturated with possibility. My dreams can get as big as I dare to let them.

A couple years ago, Rob was praying and he said something I will never forget:

"This dream...forgive us in advance if its not big enough."

Its exciting.

I'm antsy and restless as always...but have peace.

A toast to new things that I don't know about just yet.



love.
julie