The song I've had on repeat.

On my side bar is a list of people I do know, and then another category of people that I have affectionately named "Some People That I Don't Know (very) Personally (or at all) Who Are Good at What They Do and Make Me Wish I Knew Them (more) Personally". Most of my interaction with those individuals has taken place here on the good ole interwebs.

A few blogs back I mentioned a person on that list, Jamie Tworkowski. Unlike most of the individuals in that category, I have had the privilege of having a good old-fashioned face-to-face conversation with Jamie. He was at Mars when I met him. I don't recall much of our actual conversation, but do remember that he called up Jon Foreman and put him on speaker phone over a microphone for 200+ junior high students. I wasn't convinced it was a grand idea, but immediately wanted to be Jon's friend when the first thing Jon said to Jamie was "Dude, I got a beer!", to which Jamie replied, "I hope you said "beard", because you're on speaker phone with hundreds of junior high students."

Jamie was so outrageously kind to allow me to exploit our acquaintanceship (which is actually a word) and presumptuously ask him to write a review for my press kit. He obliged and was far too kind.

What I actually wasn't completely aware of when I asked him to write up a review was that Jamie is a bona fide writer.

Yes, that's right. I said it. B-O-N-A F-I-D-E.

In hindsight, I think my ignorance was working in my favor at the time, because had I been entirely aware of it, I probably would have been afraid to ask.

He writes at his myspace page, and his writing is always brilliant. A few weeks ago he wrote something new that I keep returning to. There's something about the tone of this particular piece that's so alluring- and I keep returning, day after day, to read it again.

I always say that I read things the same way I listen to music. This is the song I've had on repeat.

Reading it has been similar to what I once said about listening to Sigur Ros:

"What are they saying?"
"I don't know."
"Me neither, but somehow I understand..."

He beautifully evokes a jumble of related and seemingly unrelated feelings...almost logical and contradictory all at once.

Its mysterious, but laid bare.

Strong, but weak.
Confident, but hesitant. Vulnerable.

Doubtful, but full of hope. Doubtful, but full of contagious hope.

Exciting, but calming.
Foreign, but familiar. Comfortable, even.


I'm trying to refrain from becoming a (bona fide) internet thief, so in lieu of pasting the entire piece into my blog, I'll give you some highlights.

____

Dear jamie,

The only justice is love....

...Nobody gets to name you...If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay.

Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing.

I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free....

___


What you really ought to have already done is visited his blog and read the whole thing.

A few days before I read this particular blog of his, I started writing some words for a new song. I think it might be self-explanatory, so without much explanation, here are some ideas I've been jotting down. Conversations and ideas of being named have been stalking me from all directions. The themes seem to come from the same vein...

"Sometimes its good to get caught in the rain
Its ok to stay outside, because if you wait
All those bad feelings and shame
It can chase them away

Sometimes its ok to get caught in the rain
It falls and fills the pain with grace
Its ok to get caught in the rain
I'll stay outside and learn my name..."


I think I found enough inspiration to help tie down the loose ends in this song.

a bad way to die.

I was loading the dishwasher, and a teeny little gnat/fruit fly flew in right as I was closing it.

If you have ever seen me around bugs, I hate them, but cannot kill them. I have a difficult time killing anything. Even ants. Even spiders: which I hate the most. I am frustrated that I have such compassion on things that I hate so much. I guess its better to have difficulty in killing things, than unusual ease.

The poor little creature flew into the dishwasher right as I closed it. I left it open, to give it a chance to fly out. I couldn't see where it landed. I didn't see it fly out. I hope it got out.

Because I closed the dishwasher and it turned on.

That's a bad way to die.

I still feel bad about it.

I wrote something.

My new friends from faithhopeLOVE asked if I would write something to post on their website at www.faithhopelovemovement.com. I wrote something last September that I thought would be appropriate....go check it out here.

Headline from Rolling Stone:

Mute Math Loves Jesus But Isn’t Terrible

Leave Michigan Alone, please.

Dear BP,

Thank you for considering Lake Michigan as a prime candidate for toxic waste dumping. We are honored by your high opinion of our state.

Although flattered by your evidently favorable opinion of Michigan, I do not want to swim in ammonia and sludge this summer when I go to Grand Haven, in spite of the fact that I do not generally get in the water while at the beach. Relatively speaking, this is of little importance.

If I were interested in ammonia, sludge, and other toxic materials, I could go to my hometown of Grosse Ile, Michigan, where I lived on an island surrounded by the Detroit River. I am familiar with this kind of water.

Have you seen Gary, Indiana lately? We are terrified of looking like it.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Julie Anne B.B.R.


You can help petition the dumping of toxic waste into Lake Michigan by going here. It will take you a few seconds and will definitely be worth it.

Here's Grosse Ile, for those of you who have never heard of it.

Downriver to the left, Canada to the Right.

a flickr suckr

Hi, I joined flickr. I'm tired of emailing pics of Caden to my family members.

So, here's my new flickr dumping grounds for pictures of my favorite, and incidentally, only nephew.

Flickr is pretty cool, and I've decided its a much better place to waste time than myspace.

I'll fill it out with some other favorites of mine from DC and SA and such...And hopefully some new things on the way right after I trade you my Sony for your Nikon.

ok bye.

genius.

C.S. Lewis, in case there was any doubt, is a genius.

A few posts ago I mentioned several books I'm reading/want to read...and as you can see there isn't a whole lot of fiction happening for me. Sometimes I feel my brain turning into mush because I provide it with no balance whatsoever when it comes to just reading a nice story, as opposed to reading about economics and politics, and justice and human rights and Judaism and Christianity and why some religious people seem to be ruining the world for other people. You get my point.

This happened to me around Christmas time, where my brain was total mush. So I decided to give it a little boost and read The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. What a wonderful story. Once again I'm finding my brain is getting totally overloaded and felt the need to read a good story again. So I pushed aside all of these other "grown up" books, and picked up book 2 in the Chronicles of Narnia series, Prince Caspian. I actually have the entire series but have only ever read and only know the story of the first book. So about 48 hours ago I started reading Prince Caspian. Let me just say I get a lot of reading done when I'm eating Cap'n Crunch. I'm almost done with the book, and its a marvelous story as well.

I just love C.S. Lewis. He's so imaginative, sometimes to the point of being a little creepy. Like take Screwtape Letters for instance. Should anyone really have that defined of an imagination of what it would be like to see the world through the eyes of a demon? But the book is brilliant. Just a little creepy sometimes that it was actually written by a person (and not Satan's BFF).

Back to my point of how brilliant this man is.

There's a point in this story where the four children (Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy) are in Narnia again and Lucy sees Aslan (the Lion) for the first time since they have been back. Their conversation is seriously brilliant. Here it is:

"Welcome, child," he said.
"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

That is beautiful. What a brilliant man.

the inspiration Part II.

If I were to rate the inspiration factor of the Ben Folds/John Mayer concert on a scale from 1-10, I would give it a 7.
If I were to rate the inspiration factor of the Jon McLaughlin show from last week on a scale from 1-10, I would give it a 10.

This is strange for many reasons. Here are two:
1. Ben Folds and John Mayer have been long-time favorites of mine.
2. I didn't know one of Jon McLaughlin's songs prior to the day I saw his show.

That's right.

I'm on the mailing list for a venue here in Grand Rapids, called The Intersection. I saw in an email from them that Jon McLaughlin was going to be at the Intersection. I had listened to his music a few times, but wouldn't know him if I sat next to him on a plane, and didn't own or know any music of his. For some reason, I just thought that this was a show I should probably go to. Even though I knew hardly anything about him, I had a feeling he would be good.

Always trust a woman's intuition. Or at least, trust mine.

Jon McLaughlin, friends, is talented. I always leave shows feeling really inspired, and also feeling like a slacker. Jon did a wonderful job at bringing those two points home for me. One thing I really loved about the show was the fact that it was small. I know, I wouldn't wish that for him or any other artist--of course it would be better if half of Grand Rapids came to the show...but from my perspective, it was great to be one of about 150, and about 10 feet away from the stage without any effort.

The best thing was watching Jon McLaughlin...I'm not sure I've ever seen an artist who visually has as much fun and so obviously loves what he's doing as he does while performing. Its not that I haven't seen artists responding to their own music in obvious ways, its just that his response to the show seemed so effortless and genuine. I loved that.

Also, the audience? Where did they come from?! Every time I attend a show in Grand Rapids I always feel kind of bad for the musicians....I often have this moment when I look around and think to myself "wow, we're a lame bunch." The audience at this show was having the time of their lives. Thank you, Grand Rapids, for giving me hope that we aren't just a sleepy Midwest town.

Anyway, the music was awesome, Jon McL is a brilliant pianist and vocalist...his band was great, his drummer rocked, they were tight, and I loved it. In spite of me being 10 feet away from the stage my pictures don't really say much. Mostly because this guy doesn't hold still for even a second. Here are a couple shots I came out with...


Also, he's very sweaty. Like, sweatier than Paul Meany, sweaty. See below (or above, really):


He played one song solo for his encore. This was the best part of the show. He played his song, Indiana, and it was absolutely beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes. This is only the second time that I have seen a live performance that moved me so much that it brought tears to my eyes. The first time this happened, Bebo Norman did a small private show for a bunch of us from Mars Hill...the song was about his grandfather. I haven't listened to that song again, I think out of the reality that if I were to download it on iTunes and listen to it right now, it wouldn't recreate that experience of hearing it live for the first time and being moved so much. I think I would rather let that song and experience exist in my memory exactly the way I remember it.
Jon's encore of Indiana was gorgeous, and although listening to that song now doesn't create the evident emotion he carries when he sings the song live, it is a beautiful song. Please listen to it.

If he is coming to your town, you should go see him. He will impress you, and likely inspire you, too.

the inspiration Part I

I mentioned a few posts ago that I've been really inspired lately.

Some of that inspiration needs to be attributed to the Ben Folds/John Mayer concert I saw in Chicago last month. I've been meaning to do a quick recap of the show, but haven't, and also can't think of viable excuse as of yet.

Now is the time.

First of all, the opening act, Brett Dennen was great. I was impressed with his music and he did a great job. You should all check him out here. I've seen his name around, and more lately with the momentum he's gaining from the John Mayer tour. On a side note, he was on my favorite Sirius Radio--Coffee House channel on tv the other night. Yes, I am one of the few in the American population who occasionally sits alone in front of the TV and surfs the "radio" tv stations. Those stations are the best thing on television. Video did not kill the radio star for me, yet.

Ben Folds was technically the "special guest", which felt weird, since I've only seen him as the headliner in the past. I wonder what that was like for John Mayer, who often gives credit to Ben Folds for being significant inspiration to him when he started his music career. Anyway, Ben Folds' set was great--it was different than the other sets I've heard him play because he played a LOT of old songs, which was a ton of fun to hear him play. Here's a pic of him playing a maraca and the piano...

During his set was an incredible sunset. Here are some shots of that...



....


And then it started getting dark...

Apparently John Mayer got a shot of the sunset from backstage...I stole this from his photo blog. Sorry, John.


John Mayer was fantastic as well, and it was extra great because it was the first time I had seen and heard him live. The best part of the show was easily the encore. He played three songs, but at the moment I'm only remembering two: Covered in Rain and Your Body is a Wonderland. The encore was an acoustic trio made up of him, one of his guitar players whose name I don't know (sorry), and David Ryan Harris. Ah, the soul....the emotion. It was awesome. Here's a quick shot of that:

Covered in Rain was beautiful. According to the two girls behind me who seemed to know and discuss every waking detail about John Mayer's music and personal life (and who I eavesdropped on continuously), Covered in Rain is a sequel of sorts to City Love. Either way, it was brilliant.
If someone were to tell me that Your Body Is A Wonderland was going to be one of my favorite songs at the show, I wouldn't have believed it. Sure, the song is fun and actually really poetic, it just doesn't stick out to me as one of my favorites from John Mayer. The song started and it was great, but then the song got fabulous when John Mayer stopped singing it and David Ryan Harris took over. I think this is the same kind of "cardinal sin" that I refered to before about liking John Mayer's cover of Bold as Love more than the Hendrix original....well, the score is even, because David Ryan Harris singing Wonderland was phenomenal. Kudos to that man.
Here's a good screen-shot from the show that I'm sure you'll enjoy...

we are all the same.

I'm reading a book called Terror In the Name of God; Why Religious Militants Kill. Its written by Jessica Stern, an expert on terrorism from Harvard University.

The first chapter of the book took a close look at a cult out of Arkansas. The second chapter is focusing on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. She does a pretty good job of keeping things balanced. Most of the chapter thus far has been a summary of interviews and conversations she has had with several leaders of Hamas. She decides to meet with a man from the Ministry of Defense in Tel Aviv in order to gain perspective from the Israeli counterterrorism office.

The man she speaks with is predictably biased, just like those who oppose him. He began explaining the difficulty the Ministry of of Defense faces in determining what steps to take that will be helpful without fueling the fire. Here is one story he tells:

"In 1996, after the Ashqelon attacks, we asked permission to search Islamic schools in Ramallah. All the walls were covered with posters about the jihad. We found a videocassette of six-year-old children marching, saying, 'O my God, please take my life--I'm going to be a shaheed.' (shaheed means martyr)..."

At first thought, disturbing, no?

At second thought, what about the songs I was singing as a six year old?

"I may never march in the infantry
Ride in the calvary
Shoot the artillery
I may never fly over the enemy
But I'm in the Lord's army,
Yes sir!" (accompanied with the appropriate motions, including a salute upon shouting "Yes, sir!")

"Onward, Christian soldiers
Marching onto war
With the cross of Jesus
Going on before
Christ the royal Master
Leads against the foe..."

Disturbing, no?

Of course I could point out the differences. But I'm not here to point out the differences, I'm here to point out the similarities. The similarities that make us strikingly uncomfortable.

We have differences, but more so, we are all the same.

my dream last night....

I dream....a LOT. Both awake and sleeping. Granted, these are two different kinds of dreams. But I would say I am a professional dreamer.

I have probably 3 or 4 dreams per night that I can actually recall, and who knows how many others that I can't recall. Thankfully I don't talk during them.

Anyway, I had the most hilarious dream last night. Actually, it started out as a nightmare and then turned hilarious.

To start, I was driving the Corolla to house church...and the whole house church was in a caravan on our way to the Vanderploeg's. We were all driving separately- so much for going green. Anyway, the car wasn't set up quite like it is in real life, and though its difficult to describe, I lost control of the car because the steering wheel slipped. The car started turning out of control to the left, and I tried and tried and finally got the car to come to a stop. No one was injured, but we all hit the person's bumper in front of us (I'm not sure how you have a fender bender in a straight line when your car is circling to the left...). Anyway, I remember having a headache and feeling that sore jammed feeling you get from a car accident. This was strange because I think its the first time I've felt physical pain in a dream. Anyway, so the dream, at this point, is terrible.
In spite of the car accident we decided to continue on to house church. Then suddenly the dream turned hilarious....Jo made rice crispie treats--they were big and sticky and covered in sprinkles (which is a little gross, but in the dream looked GREAT)..........and she laced them with marijuana. I'm dying just thinking about it. Anyway, we ate a lot of rice crispie treats that night, and I took some home with me in a zip lock bag. That's the end of the dream, my friends.

House church is tonight....I wonder if Jo is making anything?

ah, inspiration.

I've been SO inspired lately.

What has been inspiring, you ask?

A lot of things. (Yes, thanks for clearing that up, Julie)

Besides that, in the last month I've had the chance to see John Mayer, Ben Folds, and Jon McLaughlin (and several others), all who are brilliantly inspiring and talented. Expect a review of those shows to be up around here soon.....all in good time. (which is code for whenever I upload a few pictures).

Meanwhile, if this doesn't inspire you, you may want to consider making an appointment with your ear doctor and eye doctor immediately.

this shirt is sweet.

I was visiting a church over in the Detroit area with my Mom and a few family friends.
I noticed that the drummer (who played a cajon at one point and it was so awesome) had the sweetest shirt ever from To Write Love On Her Arms. TWLOHA is a fab organization started by a really cool guy named Jamie who I had the priveledge of meeting (and who was nice enough to write a review for my press kit). I just realized using the words "fab" and "really cool" make my last sentence sound like a cheap plug.

I can't write a blog without going down a rabbit trail and I sincerely apologize for that. Back to the story.

OK so, drummer. Sweet TWLOHA shirt. The whole time I'm thinking how I'm going to have to con someone into buying that shirt for me (when in Dutchland, do as the Dutch do).

So after we had left church, someone I was with mentioned how the drummer looked dumb because he was wearing girl clothes. And then they poked fun at him for being skinny and wearing a shirt that was really tight. I interjected. Don't make fun of musicians. Sure: skinny, the occasional girl clothing product. I say too bad the rest of America doesn't have any style. (but how do you really feel, Julie?)

Point is: cool skinny musician wearing this shirt made me want the shirt. The unfortunate thing is it will never look as cool on me (or any girl for that matter) as it did the skinny drummer guy. The best part is that it turns out it is a mens' shirt that only comes in girls' sizes. This is especially confusing when you're a girl....ordering a mens' shirt...in girl sizes....

Crunch-a-Tize Me, Cap'n!

I always buy really healthy cereal and accompany it with almond milk or soy milk or something. Its always high in fiber, iron, and protein; and low in sugar and fat, etc.

Well last night I was at the store...and out of the corner of my eye I spotted a small red box at the bottom of the shelf.

AHOY, CAPTAIN!

I forgot how much I LOVE Cap'n Crunch cereal (and how weird it is that he's affectionately called "Cap'n").

"I need to buy some of this", I said to myself.

So, I stood by the shelf, holding Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter Crunch in my left hand, and the original Cap'n Crunch in my right. Which do I choose? It felt like a good hour had passed when I finally went with my gut feeling (pun kind of intended) and put the original Cap'n in my cart.

So last night, its about 11pm, and I remember I brought the Cap'n home with me today. So I busted out the cereal bowl and spoon and almond milk.....and ate a delicious bowl of Cap'n Crunch. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. So much so that I had another bowl. And then another....and another....and....

Me and the Cap'n make it happen.

us 3

Just as cute as we were in high school.

wow

this is beautiful.. Also, this man has the most necessary 5 o'clock shadow on earth. I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that, I just know its true.

Dynamic Moe

My mom jumbles her words on occasion (or daily). This weekend she was trying to bring up Napoleon Dynamite in our conversation. She couldn't think of his name and all she could come up with was Dynamic Moe.

I laughed at that for a long time. Still chuckling, in fact.

scraps....

Well the move is over, and it was quite the process. During the packing/cleaning process, I found scraps and scraps of paper with strange little things that I have written down. I do that--if something comes to me, or inspires me--I have to write it down. Immediately. On anything. I carry around a little book in my bag for that purpose--to write song ideas, lyrics, anything that gets my mind working. But I don't always use it, so these things end up getting scribbled on anything that I can get my hands on at the moment: sticky notes, receipts, wrappers, napkins. Anything works, I'm not picky. I've been stumbling across a lot of those kinds of scraps with my crazy handwriting scribbled all over them.
Some of what I write are things said directly to me (which is the danger of ever saying anything to me....I WILL write it down and you may have no idea that what you just said was completely profound to me....several of you have experienced this and then found yourself in the middle of my music), some are random thoughts of mine, some are things that Rob says from the stage on Sundays....
This isn't really all that new to me, infact its often how I write songs. I gather scraps together and read them and find the common thread among them and write.
I'd like to share some of these that I found in the last week. Some of them require explanation, but I probably won't explain...some of them deserve a long commentary and I'll probably get really long winded....some are incomplete thoughts that may or may not mean a whole lot to you, but here they are anyway:

"prevents faith from becoming a subsitute for reason & logic"

"you are not defined by what you are not."

"you're like me...you don't care what people think of you, its that you care about what you don't want them to think about you." (a friend said this to me)

"how creative are you?" (same friend said this to me about my music)

"this dream....forgive us in advance if its not big enough."

"because we see faith as a journey, change is assumed."

"work and struggle and never accept an evil you can change"

"true love wraps its arms around its beloved.... True love is obsessed with liberation."

here are some of the starting words that eventually inspired my song "Israel" a few years ago...it started out being about two girls that I love dearly who are sisters....it changed a lot, but here were some of the original ideas:
"love for them is a hand that's open
not the one who closed the door
and the outside sells
because the inside only hurts
we are so broken
our hearts lie open..."

Last, I found an envelope that I had scribbled some things down on one night at Mars when Dr. Becky Kuhn was speaking. She's my hero, she inspires me to no end...she's wise and funny and smart and if I could be like anyone it would be her. She says something profound every time she opens her mouth. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Dr. Becky, two of her big topics are HIV/AIDS and homosexuality--specifically the church's response to those two issues. Her frankness would make people uncomfortable coming from anyone else, but somehow she can say ANYTHING and even the most uptight white suburbanites seem to sit back in their seats a little bit.
This particular night she was talking about the church's inability to accept individuals who are homosexual. She posed the following question: "Who is going to be the community to accept you first?" Wherever you are first accepted is where you will return. (shouldn't it be the church? isn't this what we were called to do? isn't this why we exist?) Mars Hill often says "love wins"....Becky said "He who loves FIRST, wins."
Some other things she said:
"interrupt the cycle [of judgement]"

"what's your secret? what makes you judge and defend?"

I love this:

"Where does your theology get in the way of loving?" Wherever you find your theology in the way of loving...that is not God.

I've been thinking all week about those two statements: "He who loves first, wins" and "Where does your theology get in the way of loving?" It was interesting for me to find those old lyrics I wrote "love for them is a hand that's open" before I heard Becky say these things. This just inspires me more and more to not be part of a religious system that is exclusive. This is the last thing Jesus taught.

Ah, the scraps.

the real me...

I was looking over my profile, and noticed that my interests column seemed a little....well, a little "fresa", if you will. That's a slang term used in Mexico to describe people who are kind of snooty, rich, spoiled...overly refined (and incidentally means "strawberry").

While all of those interests are legit, and truly do describe things that I'm interested in, I decided there had to be more things that I am interested in that don't sound so refined. It did not take long to realize there are two more things that I love....ah yes, cereal, and cartoons.

Apparently I am not so fresa afterall. That demotes me to "naranja".....er...