fat kid

Daley let me borrow that gem you see there...the little phatty. kiiiiind of excited to figure it out.

on green grass:

Why did I say yes to that?
Why did I say no?
Why did I say that?
Why didn't I say that?
Should I have stayed?
Should I have gone?
What would life be like now if I wouldn't have done that?
What would I be like?

You'll never run out of ways to second-guess.
It will drive you crazy if you let it.

So I'll give myself grace.

The trick is to keep your heart soft and alive.

No one really knows if the grass is greener.
Perhaps the only thing you can know is that on the other side, the grass is different than it is here.

It's ok when things don't turn out the way you planned.
It's ok when you find out you don't have what you thought that you had.

Grace, grace, grace.

i love this boy

my nephew Caden. video chat is my only hope for reminding him who i am.


his mother, my sister in law, makes jewelry and i wish i had all of it. it's my birthday afterall, fellow readers....hint hint.... really though, have a looksee at her creations, the woman has talent.

santa monica

this photo brought to you by nikon's ashton kutcher-endorsed-camera-that-depends-on-ashton-kutcher-to-make-it-cool-because-it-doesn't-even-have-a-view-finder-and-i-don't-care-how-charming-he-is-in-those-commercials.

a conversation:

I could fill page after page with questions I don't want to answer. Recently someone asked, "What are you pretending to not know?" At first I thought it was silly.

Then it sunk in and I became frustrated that I understood the question. My answer? I'm pretending to not know what the question means.

Once, I tried to practice the prayer of examen--a series of questions and prayers set aside for the end of the day. In essence, they create space to pause, review, and notice what we chose to ignore that day. For nothing goes unnoticed by our subconscious.

Nothing, unfortunately.

What habits and life patterns do I notice?
When did I feel most fully myself?
Least myself?

Last week I had a conversation with a new friend who works with ex-gang members and at-risk youth. He's overwhelmed with his work in LA but explained that it's far worse in Bakersfield, where there is a huge gang problem and a near-paralyzing lack of hope. He shook his head, looked me in the eye and said, "I don't want to go to Bakersfield, because if I go to Bakersfield, then I have to care about Bakersfield."

Because once you care about one thing, you care about about everything.

Whom did I neglect?
Where did I neglect myself?

Some days I sit in traffic, and I swear, it is life wasted.

What did I avoid today?

Some days I sit in traffic, and in those moments of idle I live the most.

When did I feel the most whole?

Someone once asked where I do most of my songwriting. Without hesitation, I responded, "When I'm driving on the 60."

Most fragmented?

Yesterday, someone asked how I'm doing. How I'm really doing. I presented him with a mostly honest, but sugar-coated answer: I'm trying to figure out how to give myself permission to slow down in a city that makes people feel guilty and unimportant when they do.

Where was I hurt without anyone noticing?

He told me he was depressed for the first four months he lived here.

What differences did I notice in those closest to me?

A week ago, a family I love lost their father/grandfather. I went to the store right away and bought a sympathy card to send to them, but I still haven't sent it. I haven't forgotten them, in fact I've been thinking about them a lot. I feel terribly about it, and can't understand why simple things become unnecessarily difficult to complete.

I suppose I feel that way about a lot of things. Things I know I should do but can't seem to finish.

Or start.

What new thoughts visited me?
When could I have exposed myself to the risk of something different?

I pretend to not know why I haven't finished them. I pretend to not know why I haven't started them.

What did I begin today that might endure?

Today my best friend asked when I'm going to move to New York. I told her it's too late. I can't leave now. I already love people here.

With whom today did I feel most myself?

We agreed that we've both been under the spell of nostalgia recently, wondering if it's just a side effect of the turning of the seasons. Perhaps autumn has us bent toward the past.

When did I have the greatest sense of belonging?
When did I feel most alone?

I might be a little over-dressed today. I'm wearing a scarf and a jacket. It's so cold in my house in the morning, now that the weather has cooled down a bit. Today I woke up wrapped in my giant hooded sweatshirt--hood on and all--in need of a hot cup of anything to warm me up. I escaped the cold in my house and walked down the street to the coffee shop, where the staff greeted me by name and started on my usual Americano. For here.

I chose a table in the sun and opened a book to pass the time. Later, the owner came out to talk, wondering what book I was reading.

Who saw me today?

How were my conversations?

I finished the book about an hour later, which I feel is more than a minor accomplishment, since I've been reading through this book for a year now. Above all things, it taught me that there isn't anything people aren't capable of recovering from. Near the close of the book, the author recounted all she had seen and done during that particular season of her life; a season that now seemed to be drawing to a close.

I reflected on my current season. I could feel the tug of my oh-so-familiar longings and dreams.

I reached into my bag, and pulled out the sympathy card I've been carrying around for a week. I wrote a note inside, then sealed and addressed the envelope.

I glanced over to the book I had just finished reading. My mind shifted back to those dreams.

From the evidence--why was I given this day?

Call+Response

In 2007, Slave Traders made more money than Google, Nike and Starbucks combined.

CALL+RESPONSE is a first of its kind feature documentary film that reveals the world’s 27 million dirtiest secrets: there are more slaves today than ever before in human history.

Please go see this film. To find out where it is showing, click here. If it's not playing near you, you can request it for your city, email bringit@callandresponse.com. It is only playing this week, and will only continue to stay in theaters if response is strong.

Profits from this film will go toward ending slavery, worldwide.



For extra credit, watch this. Amazing.

Spread the word.

For me, the skyline has changed.

For me, the skyline has changed.

When I drive back into the city after a long day out, I strain to see the skyline a few miles ahead. Looking to the horizon, my eyes trace the steady lights from the now familiar buildings that tower in the darkness--always facing the same direction they were facing when I left them last. Always in the same order. I'm able to spot the skyline off in the distance, but when I see it I don't feel the same way I used to. The skyline isn't exhilarating anymore.

Now, it's comforting.

for my brother matt:

Hollywood sends its love:

and we're back.

texts are fixed.

yeehaw, hooray.

mah texts are broked.

hi....just a little fyi for you...

texts on my phone haven't worked for days....sometimes they don't get to you, sometimes yours don't get to me....etc. it seems as though i'm only succeeding with fellow verizon customers.

SO, this being said, don't take it personally, i'm not ignoring you...in fact i probably miss you and wonder why i haven't heard from you. hopefully a wonderful verizon employee can fix my problems. please, try again.

-j

rinse and repeat

Read slowly, as needed.

The wilderness is not just a desert through which we wandered for forty years. It is a way of being. A place that demands being open to the flow of life around you. A place that demands being honest with yourself without regard to the cost in personal anxiety. A place that demands being present with all of yourself.

In the wilderness your possessions cannot surround you. Your preconceptions cannot protect you. Your logic cannot promise you the future. Your guilt can no longer place you safely in the past. You are left alone each day with an immediacy that astonishes, chastens, and exults. You see the world as if for the first time.

Now you might say that the promise of such spiritual awareness could only keep one with the greatest determination in the wilderness but for a moment or so. That such a way of being would be like breathing pure oxygen. We would live our lives in but a few hours and die of old age. It is better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness. And indeed, that is your choice.

-Rabbi Lawrence Kushner, Honey from the Rock

videos to brighten your day

These gems have been filling the part of my mindspace reserved for YouTube.