this is an interesting weekend

This is a long post, sorry. I wrote one half earlier today, and the other half tonight. At least read the second half.

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I was supposed to go to NY for a show last night, but rescheduled due to car problems. Somehow I ended up here, in an arena at a large christian conference that I've never heard of, watching the 8 month old baby of people I hadn't previously met who help run the conference. I'm not sure which is more out of character for me: spending my weekend at a christian conference with christian VIPs (insert my single eyebrow raise here), or hanging out for 15 hours a day with a baby (insert your nervous chuckle here).
Probably the baby, but its a close call.
What makes this stranger is that I was connected with these people by a friend who had never met these people, and I've only known this friend for a month, and on top of that met through a mutual friend from the other side of the country. I love things like that.
This conference has illuminated for me how much I've changed, and how much better things are that I've been given the space to change, and that I've allowed myself the space for change. I'm realizing I owe a lot of gratitude to my community at Mars Hill for giving me space to rethink and reassess on a continual basis.
The change I've undergone has been gradual, but re-entering into an environment like this--the Christian conference--is crazy to me. Right now I'm sitting in a dressing room and the walls are pounding and shaking from the music on the other side. Five years ago I wouldn't have missed the worship set for anything, but today I'm blogging instead. Don't get me wrong, these people I'm with are talented--they do a great job, they play flawless sets, and they are lovely people all around. But it has nothing to do with them...its hard to explain...
Also, to add to this, I thought being at this conference would just make me feel really jaded, but its actually done the opposite. The fact that I'm not really singing along, the fact that I disagree fundamentally with a lot of what these speakers are saying--instead of frustrating me, instead of discouraging me, instead of making me cynical, its actually just shedding light on this hope within me that seems to show up in the form of cynicism. It doesn't bother me that I disagree, but strangely makes me like them more. Yeah I'm cynical, and yes, I'm a Christian deconstructionist poster-child. In spite of all that, I find comfort in being that way, because I think its a sign that I believe there's more.
Some of the most cynical people I know are also some of the most hopeful people I know.
Most of the staff that I have spent this weekend with are from Buckhead Church in Atlanta. I have nothing but respect for that church, but I guess I didn't expect I'd connect with them. But in reality, they made me want to move to Atlanta. Those are words I never thought I'd say.
Weird.

I hung out with someone from Cape Town today, and also someone from Zimbabwe. Its only fitting, I guess, that I'd meet someone from Cape Town today when on this exact day last year I was in fact in Cape Town (and hanging out with people from Zimbabwe), and this whole month that has been such a big deal to me.

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The day is over now and I'm back at home. And I feel like although this blog is already long and drawn-out, there's more I have to say, even if you all quit reading by now. I need to make an apology.

So, here's an open letter apology.

Dear Everyone Who Was on Stage at the Passion Conference,

I'm sorry for judging you. Because of some lame experiences, I've always had it pinned on you (and not just "you" in general, but very specifically you) that you were just like most others I've encountered at large christian gatherings: lacking in authenticity. You proved me wrong. What's worse is I would have kept on making these assumptions about you if I had just attended the conference as a regular attendee. But this weekend I found out that you are real people. That's the magic, or the mystery, rather, of sharing meals together. Something sacred happens when people gather around a table and eat. And what I learned is that I'm wrong about you. You are actually really beautiful, and you've found what it is that you love and you're doing it.
I told one of you tonight that I make the assumption that if I'm in a christian context and there are major production elements (smoke machines, light shows, etc.), I immediately assume its not authentic. Not only were you not offended that I just took a jab at your set, but you said that's how you feel too.

Really?

You're just like me.

I'm just like you.

I guess I just didn't expect that you would feel that way. Perhaps I should take a hint and stop assuming that I know what you're going to be like.

So, I'm sorry. I've been unfair and I'm wrong.

Besides, its not your fault that your songs are overplayed every Sunday morning, everywhere.

Thank you for a lovely and unexpected but very needed weekend.

Sincerely,
Julie