calling it what it is

Identity crisis.

Having been part of the Mars Hill community for around five years, I was regularly fed the language of being exactly and only who I was created to be. I have no qualms with that, and I feel like even after five years of repetition I have yet to truly understand it.

"You are a human being, not a human doing."

"You are not defined by what you are not."

"The sabbath is for the human to know that when they stop producing, they are just as valuable."

"The resurrection is about the way Jesus has come through for us in all the ways that we have failed."

Yet this morning, and even now, I am a walking identity crisis.

I woke up last night coughing. It is no secret that I don't really have a top notch immune system. I'm not trying to kid anyone here. But when I do get sick, what I never have is a cough. Never. It doesn't matter how sick I am. I never cough.

I forgot about the coughing last night, and was getting ready this morning and decided to sit down at the piano and sing...but was completely astonished when I started to sing and I strained to hit any of the notes. "Maybe its just my morning voice, I haven't said anything yet today...." So I tried again but the more I tried the worse it got, until I couldn't even sing a note without coughing. I immediately was filled with total and complete terror. Yes, terror. Maybe you think that's dramatic. Maybe it is. But either way, its true.

It was like a total panic. In fact, it was not like a total panic. It just was a total panic. A little bit funny to recall the thoughts that went through my head, but they sure said a lot about me in a matter of minutes.

What if I'm sick?
What if I'm not sick and I just can't sing anymore?
What if I can't ever sing again?
What if I lose my voice?
Will this ruin my range?
WHAT IF I CAN'T EVER SING AGAIN?!?

Drama....but it was all real to me.

I remember when I was in college (what was I ever doing in college??) and I reinjured my wrist. I had the same series of questions...would this ruin my music dream? Will I ever play the guitar again? (the answer is not really)....will I be able to play the piano again? That was the really scary one for me. I remember sitting with Mindy and crying about it.

So apparently, when music gets messed with, my core identity gets messed with.

A classic case of finding my identity by what I do?

Absolutely.

But I think its legitimate. That's what I've always struggled with when it comes to all of the "identity" language I've heard. I really do feel like if I don't sing, if I don't write, if I don't play, that I am going to perish. I've been challenged with that idea recently, about how deeply and how truly I care about music. I was challenged to look at myself in the mirror and say "I am not an artist", just to see how it felt. And to be honest, even though I was offended at even the notion of asking me that, I still had that lingering little voice in the back of my head, wondering if it was true.

I think after the TOTAL PANIC and fear and chaos and terror that I experienced this morning at even the thought of not being able to express myself via music was pretty substantial proof that it is truly what I have to do. Yes, what I have to do.

If I do not, I will perish.

Unhealthy frame of mind? Maybe. Because when its threatened I really do feel like I'm dying. And maybe I shouldn't find my identity so much in what I do.

But on the other hand, I feel like its cheap to say its what I do. Because it is who I am.

I can find no solution to this paradox.

I guess I'm ok with that right now.

Oh, and Merry Christmas. If you don't have a gift for me yet, I would like my voice back.